Black Magic: Why Sirius Rocks
Becky Adams
Warning: this rant contains major spoilers for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. If you haven't read all five books, and are planning to, I suggest hitting the back button on your browser immediately.
Sirius Black is by far the greatest character in the entire Harry Potter series. He's clever, dangerous, loyal, and daring. What's more, he's dead sexy, as anyone who's read the books can attest. Now, I know what you're thinking. There are plenty of characters who are funnier, or wiser, or more well-rounded than Sirius. (Or, you're thinking Harry Potter is a stupid children's series, and calling any of its characters "sexy" is laughable.) But Sirius is the only character in popular fiction who would fit in as well at a coffeehouse as he would at an emo-core concert. That gives him top marks in my book. He also has the same initials as Strong Bad (of Homestar Runner fame), which proves the ladies must be all up on's.
For those of you who aren't familiar with Harry's posse, Sirius is Harry's shaggy-haired godfather. His story is mind-numbingly complex, but the main points are simple enough. During his Hogwarts years, he and Harry's dad were best friends and notorious troublemakers. One of their more dangerous capers was studying animal transfiguration on the sly; as a result, Sirius can turn into an enormous black dog whenever he likes. (His first name, Sirius, is the name of the Dog Star in Canis Major, so his name literally means "black dog.") He later spent twelve years in prison for a murder he didn't commit, and was thought to have betrayed Harry's parents to Voldemort. He didn't, of course; and since his escape from prison, he's watched over Harry like a hawk.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sirius is tenaciously loyal; but like most rock-star types, he's no saint. In his youth, he nearly killed Severus Snape with one of his more malicious pranks. He loves the adrenaline rush of risk-taking, and snaps at anyone (including Harry) who suggests he behave more cautiously. He also has a vengeful streak to rival Anakin Skywalker's. But his fierce devotion to Harry mitigates his nastier qualities. His birthday and Christmas gifts are always the most thoughtful or extravagant (or both) of Harry's presents. Despite recklessness with his own safety, he's so overprotective of Harry that he once hid in a cave and ate rats for a few weeks so he could keep an eye on some shady things going down at Hogwarts. He's also a bit of a kid at heart; in Harry's fifth year, he turned his dismal family home into a sparkly winter wonderland for Christmas, even decorating some mummified elf heads with Santa hats.
At this point, some of you might be thinking, Okay, he's kind of endearing, but the temper and the overprotectiveness remind me of my mom during menopause. In other words, you're wondering where the coolness comes into play. Two words, my friends: flying motorcycle. Sirius' flying motorcycle is cooler than James Dean's motorcycle, the Fonz's motorcycle, and Trinity's motorcyle put together. Even Neo, who can defy gravity and raise the dead, can't get his hands on a flying motorcycle. If that's not a chick magnet, I don't know what is. Also, as a dog, he once wrestled a full-grown werewolf. I bet Neo's never wrestled a werewolf.
Sirius becomes even more of a chick magnet in the fifth book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Because Sirius is still a (wrongly) convicted murderer, Dumbledore confines him to his family home at Grimmauld Place for his own protection. This puts severe restrictions on Sirius' bodyguarding abilities, and also makes it impossible for him to actively participate in the Order. As a result, he becomes progressively more Byronic over the course of the year. (Note that women flocked to Byron when he worked his broody, jaded mojo.) While any reasonable woman would chain herself to his bed as a consolation prize, that doesn't actually happen -- this is a children's series, after all. So, deprived of external stimuli, Sirius grows restless, angsty, and insecure. His feelings of uselessness eventually drive him to accompany several members of the Order when they set off to defend Harry from a group of Dark wizards, despite Dumbledore's strict warning to remain in the house.
But alas, Sirius' defiant glamour and favorite-character status can't protect him forever. While fighting his cousin Bellatrix, he disappears through a mysterious archway in the Department of Mysteries, and is by all accounts dead. There's been some dispute among readers as to whether he was actually killed; but even if he wasn't, chances are slim that he'll reappear. This, however, only works to his favor with the ladies. The only thing more appealing than a hero is a tragic hero, even if he's dead. Oh, Sirius. You sly devil, you.
Just so you know, if Sirius was real, I wouldn't actually shack up with him and chain myself to his bed. That would be wrong. I'd marry him, then chain myself to his bed, 'cause bondage is okay as long as you're married. Wait, no, I mean ... uh ... uh ... oh, it seems I've just recovered from an Imperius Curse ... I hope I didn't say anything inappropriate while my mind was being controlled ... by someone else ... who is definitely not me ... and ... uh ... YES I'M AWESOME!!!
