The Culinary Enthusiast's Version of Twilight
Ellie
If you can replace your protagonist with baked goods, you have a problem.
Whoo, it's been awhile, huh? Not much has changed, though: entertainment for children is still terrifying, and I'm still here to review it. As my column is sorta kinda not really about how entertainment effects the youth of today, I had no choice but to look at the weirdest fad since Pogs, Twilight.
This book series by Mormon Stephenie Meyer has hit the big time, and I'm required by law to say it took the world by storm. How much of that has to do with the fact that Meyer looks exactly like Octomom, I'm not sure, but somehow it really took off.
Apparently, warring families and standing outside a girl's window weren't weird enough for OctoMeyer. No, she had to one-up Romeo with Edward Cullen, a manic-depressive vampire who seems to enjoy B&Es. The object of his affection? Bella Swan, the most broadly-named author insert in history, who also happens to be a whiny little bitch.
The pre-teens of America want to be Bella, because we all know how great it is to be a whiny, pretentious Mary Sue who can't stop the ground from attacking her. They also want to have boyfriends just like Edward, because abusive, possessive boyfriends who treat you like a small child are the best things EVER!!
Most of the series is Edward wanting to either sex up or eat Bella, who doesn't do anything interesting for THOUSANDS OF PAGES. Thus, in the following recap, I have replaced Bella with a cake, and sadly, the story makes just as much sense. My new position on literature is, "if you can replace your protagonist with baked goods, you have a problem." Please, enjoy, but be sure to brush your teeth afterward.
