Worst-Case Scenario Reads
Becky Adams
With November looming large this election year, politicos on both sides are going to bombard us via television, radio, and even e-mail with worst-case scenarios looming in the near future if the other side gets elected. In the spirit of all this doom and gloom, I've put together a list of worst-case scenario literature for your perusal, to keep you in the proper state of unmitigated pessimism as voting day approaches.
1984, George Orwell. Big Brother is watching, Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia, and doublethink is essential to the Party and survival. Report all ungoodthinkers to the Department of Homeland Security, and support the Patriot Act to protect yourse— oh, sorry. Wrong dystopia.
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley. Corporations have taken over the world! Monogamy is bad! Parenthood is blasphemy! All hail Ford! And anyone who says otherwise must have had alcohol injected into his decanter before he was born!
Titus Andronicus, William Shakespeare. Your children are nearly all dead, the enemy queen is now your queen, and you've lost a hand. It can't get much worse, but at least you can make a mean pie.
The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood. In a world where women are covered head to toe and reading is reserved for the government elite, there's nothing sexier than a game of Scrabble with a pre-revolution vixen. Triple-word score... mmmmmmm.
Dracula, Bram Stoker. Vampires are taking over the world! The women will all be infected, and then they'll turn voluptuous! Egad, man, drive a stake through their hearts before they entice us to suck our manly — um — blood!
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott. John Brooke is acting dreadfully, and Meg likes it! Teddy says he's going to the devil! Jo's losing her temper again, and Amy just let out another injured sniff! Our bosom enemies may conquer us yet — oh Marmee, whatever shall we do?
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Judith Viorst. Oh no! There's gum in my hair, and I couldn't get my favorite sneakers! My life is in shambles! I want to die!
The Elements of Style, William Strunk, Jr. and E. B. White. Misplaced modifiers! Dangling participles! The unbridled confusion of interchanging their, they're, and there! Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity!
Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad. You're reading Joseph Conrad. It actually doesn't get any worse than that.
