Kid's Show Logic
A Boy and His Rubik's Cube - 9.30.07
Ellie
I love children. And not only because they are the only hope for the future of mankind, which is actually kind of alarming, considering what they are taught in schools these days. Elementary school is basically the current name for "Political Correctness 101." No, I love children because they are so ridiculously entertaining to listen to when they are calmly expressing themselves.
Remember that show, "Kids Say the Darnedest Things?" Where little children spewed all the things they had been specifically told not to say, and then Bill Cosby stole their thunder simply by being Bill Cosby? That show has nothing on kids just talking, especially to each other.
For example, my sister and I heard the following conversation in a dentist’s office waiting room, among three young boys, all between the ages of 6 and 8. They were gathered on the floor around a book about bees, and every time they turned a page, the boys reacted with shock at the large color illustrations of various bee species, saying in unison, "Look! It’s a bee!" as if this had not happened the past ten times they had turned a page. One of the boys decided to tell this lovely little anecdote: "One time, my dad got a bee. He got a bee in the shed. With a fly swatter."
His friend was obviously impressed, but decided to outdo him with this little nugget of information, without which I personally would be unable to get through the rest of my life: "You know, if you make a bee mad, he'll get all his friends. And then they come sting you. I bet you'll cry for a WEEK!"
The third boy, who was the bee expert's little brother, had nothing to contribute, but the first boy had another story to tell. "Once, we were in Disney World, and we were on a train," he said, sounding very excited. He then decided to reiterate their location with, "And we were on a train." Then, just in case no one was paying attention, he added, "We were on a train, and we saw all kinds of PUPpets!"
The bee expert, who obviously had been paying attention, decided to do some follow-up on the story, and said, "Oooh! What KIND of puppets?"
His friend responded, as if he were some kind of puppet connoisseur, "Oh, ALL kinds."
This is typical child conversation, and they invariably find such discussions fascinating, but given the television shows and movies designed for them, this is relatively unsurprising. I am an expert on children's programming, given how frequently I babysit. This column's true purpose is to allow us all to gasp collectively over the overall freakishness of children's programming.
Our first show is one I was shown in my college math class, and I swear I am not making it up. This show is Rubik, the Amazing Cube,—made by Hanna-Barbera in 1983—and features, you guessed it, a magical talking Rubik's cube.
The cube itself is only magical when solved, and its magical powers include (based on the one episode I saw) flying, shooting immobilizing rays, levitating its own personal version of "Mystery, Inc.", and having a voice that sounds like a cross between Smurfette and Linda Blair. Although, to the best of my knowledge, Rubik is male. I don't know for certain, because the only features Rubik has are a truly evil-looking face and a pair of legs. I guess levitating things is necessary when you have no arms.
The role of "Mystery, Inc." in this show is filled by a family of brilliant Latino children, all of whom are alarmingly adept at solving Rubik's cubes, which comes in handy several times on the show, as Rubik can apparently become hopelessly jumbled simply by being dropped or stolen by the dog.
One of the children shares both name and appearance with Carlos on "The Magic Schoolbus." Based on that observation, I am left to wonder whether that is why Carlos never found the field trips or Miss Frizzle's clothing at all odd: when he went home, he and his siblings spent their time going on adventures with a Rubik's cube and being called "meddling kids" by a host of very non-threatening villains. Compared to that, a school bus turning into a giant drill and going on a Jules Verne-style jaunt below the Earth's crust is downright tame.
Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Join me next time with "Barbie Movies: Her Proportions Aren't the Only Disturbing Thing."
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