Kid's Show Logic
How to be Shallow in the Coming Age - 10.5.07
Ellie
Hello, readers! I’m back! Did you miss me? No, no, I didn’t think so. In fact, it would be quite creepy if you did, given that since this is the Internet, I’ve probably never met you personally. If you are missing random people on the Internet whom you have never met, you need more help than this column can possibly give you. (Editor's note: You do need help, but we appreciate your readership! Now go take some quizzes!)
Anyway, let's move on from your possible psychological disorder and talk instead about something a little more fun, if by fun I mean absolutely terrifying. This subject is, of course, Barbie, and even more disturbingly, Barbie movies.
Yes, you heard me right. Barbie has indeed made movies, or rather Mattel has made movies starring a computer modeled likeness of the doll. Whose idea was this, I wonder? What Mattel executive sat straight up in bed, shook his wife awake, and said "Helen! Helen! What if I make a Barbie movie? We can ruin classic stories, make money and invade all aspects of a child’s life in one fell swoop!"
At this point, his wife looked at him and said "Helen? My name is Ingrid, Joe!" and banished him to the sofa. So we can clearly see that Barbie has ruined Joe and Ingrid's marriage, in addition to causing young girls to have a negative body image simply because they don’t look like they come from the Planet Vomax, or possibly Hell. Who finds immovable hands and legs the size of drinking straws attractive? If women were actually shaped like that, they would fall through street grates until they reached their chests. They would also have the worst cases of scoliosis in medical history. There's a whole host of intellectual things I could say about Barbie's proportions, but if you think I'm going to discuss them now, you're nuts.
Instead, let's talk about Barbie's theatrical career. As Joe said, she has been systematically destroying classic stories, including The Nutcracker, Rapunzel, Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper, and Swan Lake.
The one I’ve seen the most is Barbie in the Nutcracker, which is just as alarming as it sounds. Barbie starts the story out by telling a truly bratty representation of Kelly about how brave Clara was. This did not ring any bells for me, since basically all Clara did in the ballet was dance around in a circle with some other kids, then get out of the way for various solo dances. For all that she is the main character, Clara is a spectacularly mind-numbing role. At least, I think she would be.
So the movie wasn't winning any prizes with me so far, and we were only in the prologue. When the story began, I knew we were in for a long ride. Herr Drosselmeyer had been changed completely. In the ballet he was rather scary gentleman in possession of giant puppet-robots, who seemed to enjoy climbing atop grandfather clocks for no reason. Now he is merely a strict but bumbling fellow. He had custody of Clara and her brother Fritz (renamed to Tommy for some reason, although no one seemed to notice) because they were orphans.
That's right. Clara is now an orphan, and the party with the dancing in circles has been nixed. Clearly, they are actually going to attempt to make her a character. A brave character, according to the prologue. Of course, Barbie might be slightly biased because she plays Clara, as well.
Since the Nutcracker couldn't come from her godfather (now her grandfather, but no one seemed to notice that, either), it came instead from her aunt, who seems to take hairdressing lessons from Princess Leia.
Finally, we reached the best character in the movie, in my opinion: the evil rat king, voiced by Tim Curry! Yes! They somehow got Tim Curry to appear in a Barbie movie! Well, I suppose the role would be fun, since his part was extended past the battle with the Nutcracker. Plus, he had a magic scepter, and if he recited some sort of horrendous poem, he could turn someone into an inanimate object. When I explained this to my sister, she offered the following incantation: "When you want to call your home, pick yourself up! You are a phone!" It is just as good as the other incantations, which should give you an idea of what sort of brilliant minds we’re dealing with here.
The rest of the movie is kind of a blur for me, as they spend all of it looking for the Sugarplum Fairy, so that she can turn the Nutcracker back into his human form and he and Clara can have lots of sex and babies. They don't actually say that last part, but it’s sort of implied.
The filmmakers eventually tired of this plot and made Clara the Sugarplum Fairy, probably because they didn’t have the money or the drive to create another character. She turned the Nutcracker into Ken (called Eric, which again, no one seemed to notice), they danced for a while, and then the evil Tim Curry rat managed to send Clara back home. You would think the movie would end there, but it didn't! Once Clara was back at home, her aunt brought in Ken and left the room so that he and Clara could dance for a while, obviously having no qualms about leaving a young man alone with a sixteen-year-old girl, who happened to be in her nightgown.
I just realized that I forgot to mention the talking bat. I don’t have anything to say about him, just that he was there. And he talked. Yeah...
I would tell you more about the other terrifying films, but this episode is far too long now. Tune in soon for the stunning conclusion! Same terrifying children's programming time, same terrifying children's programming channel.
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