Brandon's Spiffy Fashion Guide
v.2.0 - 9.13.03
Brandon g
Why should I dress like Brandon?
Do you want to be more awesome? Of course, we all do. Well, let me be the first to tell you that I am very awesome. Also, there are subtle mind-control techniqes incorporated into this entire website making you believe you want to dress like me. Why else would you be reading this? So go, be fruitful, and dress like me.
Where should I shop?
Before going any further, you have to resolve to never set foot in American Eagle, Banana Republic, Ambergroombie, or the GAP ever again. Don't go to any of those stores. In fact, most stores at the mall are out. There are thousands of reasons, so don't question me. Anything you buy at Hot Topic is not punk or underground, I don't care how much you paid for it. Target is good and generally treats its employees okay and doesn't use sweatshop labor. Thrift stores are great.
But I like spending lots of money for clothing that sucks and was assembled in sweatshops.
Go away. You are unworthy to behold the wisdom of Brandon.
How about some general tips?
Simplicity is the key, not because you're making a statement, but because you're lazy. You have much more important things to do than worry about clothes—thing like writing about your clothes for your website. My philosophy on beauty is this: the harder you work, the harder you work. And so... well... I guess I'm not very beautiful, because I don't work hard, but that's okay. Shut up. I'm awesome.
What shirts should I wear?
T-shirts abound. Remember: less effort is good. With that in mind, here's another rule for shirts: never tuck them in. Ever. Wear t-shirts or anything that's free of effort and constraint. Shirts should either be simple and inconspicuous or loud and obnoxious, but either way, they should be completely unprofessional. Popular Hawaiian shirts from sports clothing stores are unacceptable. Shirts with a designer logo (CK, Tommy, Nike) and sports shirts are to be avoided at all costs.
What pants will make me more awesome than Link from The Legend of Zelda?
Don't take them so seriously; they're just pants. And I don't think Link wore pants, so wearing any pants would probably make you more awesome than him. Anyway, polyester or leather pants are fun, if you're in a boy band. A grungy pair of blue jeans with frayed bottoms will go a long way. Understatement, folks, understatement. Despite what television may tell you, your pants should not be your center of attention.
Okay, how about shoes?
Avoid them whenever you can. It's a good idea to carry some cheap sandals in case they won't let you in the library because you're not wearing any shoes, the crappy bastards. Don't wear shoes to class. Make this well known by putting your bare feet up on the table. When weather or other conditions necessitate "real shoes," a simple pair of black boots is perfectly acceptable. Bowling shoes or Converse hi-tops are wildly entertaining if not overused. Sports shoes should be reserved for sports (so don't wear them).
What colors should I wear?
Dark colors. Dark, dark, dark. Black is good (well, technically, black is a lack of color, but you get the point). White is evil because it makes your skin look funny (assuming you're me).
What about my hair
Never, never, never brush your hair. Grow it out until your mom's ashamed of you. If your hair looks like that guy from N*Sync, you have failed.
Accessories?
Jewelry is out of the question. I realize there are a lot of good reasons to wear jewelry and a lot of arguments for jewelry in general, but I hold to that. Rings--rings are for married people. Do not wear them unless you're married, or else people will think you already are. Bracelets are for pansies. (Note: Bracelets sometimes look good on girls.) Anklets are right out. Necklaces are the only possible exception to this rule, and only if simplicity abounds.
Hats should be kept to a minimum, but are acceptable. As a rule of thumb, baseball caps are too popular to be worn. If a hat provides a clever slogan or endorses a clever product (a piece of software or a caffeinated beverage), it may transcend the inherit evil of popularity, but the number of hats that are truly clever is astonishingly low. Golf and some ski caps are great. Many other things--like boxes—are fun to put on your head while at parties or when rocking out to punk music in your room, but are inappropriate in most social settings. Overall, hats should be kept to a minimum. Remember: you're proud of your hair (even if your mom isn't).
