Final Fantasy VII
Brandon g
Final Fantasy VII added a new dimension to Final Fantasy games: a third dimension. Final Fantasy VII was the first game to break out of 16-bit graphics and make its debut on the Sony Playstation (making it the first game to break away from Nintendo, as well), and the results are immensely satisfying. 
Gone are the simple character sprites and pixellated backgrounds leaving much to imagination. The backgrounds in Final Fantasy VII were fully rendered and beautiful; the characters, while pixellated and polygonal, were miles ahead of their 16-bit predecessors.
The story, while hindered by the translation, was deep and rich; most Final Fantasy fans agree that this game boasts the best plotline of the series. The characters, on the other hand, leave something to be desired—and that something is character development. Cloud, the protagonist of the story, has a depth that's not even fully explained in the game. He's so deep that there are blaring plot holes in his character alone. In fact, there's a lot that's not explained in the game—which is why it's neck-deep in Final Fantasy logic of a new breed.
The Plot Thickens...
Twisting plots have been a staple in every Final Fantasy game since the beginning. This game is no exception. It's like the writers got together and said: "If one plot twist is good, ten million plot twists must be ten million times as good!" About halfway through the game, nobody has any idea what's going on, including the player (and probably the writers, actually). This flowchart should give you some idea how the game works.
I Pity the Fool Who Wrote This!
Final Fantasy VII is the first game in the series to feature a black man as a playable character. This might sound like a good thing, except that Barret is a virtual clone of Mr. T—it's as if Mr. T was the only black man that the script writers had ever seen.
To make matters even stranger, it appears that Barret is the only black person in the entire world. No one else in Barret's hometown speaks street lingo. It's entirely unclear where Barret actually learned to talk like that. Even Barret's own daughter is white. (We later find out that she's adopted... but still...) Poor Barret is the last of his race.
Juvenile Humor Fantasy
There was a hint of it in earlier games, but Final Fantasy VII is full of juvenile humor. In just about every town, there's at least one bathroom that's used just for a cheap joke. There are also gay and underwear jokes, and a cross-dressing portion of the game (and all three of those occur in the same segment of the game).
The worst part is that most of the game tries to be serious. Nothing ruins a serious moment like the mention of orthopedic underwear. Seriously, if you're trying to save the world, leave the orthopedic underwear at home.
Girl Troubles
Let's just get this out of the way: Every female on the team is only there to be potentially seduced by Cloud. Cloud's a pimp. In fact, most of the conflict in this game is brought about by girls and the lengths Cloud goes to in seducing them. About a quarter of the way through the game, there's even an interactive date scene. My favorite part is the gondola ride at the end.
First, there's Tifa Lockheart. Tifa's a hottie. As mentioned on the main FF Logic page, Tifa Lockheart has enormous breasts. On top of that, she's not very bright. She's the female equivalent to the big, dumb guy that hits things really hard—except that only her breasts are big, and she's a whole lot prettier. If she had a brain half as big as one of her breasts, she'd be the next Steven Hawking; but sadly, that's not the case. It's not all her fault, though—she needs the breasts for her job (she works at a bar).
But that's ok, because the other girls can't be all breasts and no brains... right?
Wrong. Next is Yuffie. Despite being a ninja, Yuffie's something straight out of a hit teen movie. She's always throwing out words like "gross-ness," and she hates books. Her breasts may not be as big as Tifa's; but she's still under the legal age of consent, so that's probably a good thing.
Lastly, there's Aeris, whom most players agree is the best match for Cloud. While Aeris is way beyond the other girls, she still isn't the brightest crayon in the box. Before jumping on the saving-the-world bandwagon, her job was taking care of a small bed of flowers in an old, abandoned church. Now, to me, that sounds more like a task you'd give a "special" child than an actual job. Further evidence of this is the fact that she's the only character still living under her mother's care and supervision. So, really, not that bright. And anyway, she dies.
"This Guy Are Sick"
The translation for Final Fantasy VII is on par with that of Final Fantasy IV (that is to say that it's terrible). Example: You get into a fight, and a message pops up: "Vincent was cought off guard!" First of all, caught is misspelled (either that, or they made up a new word); second of all, the message says the exact opposite of what it actually means—the message only shows up when your party (or, in this case, Vincent) catches the enemy off guard. Another example: You defeat an enemy in a tournament, and it asks you if you want to keep going. You can choose either "No way!" or "Off course!" (which I assume means yes).
Final Fantasy Logic Score: 8
Despite the technologically advanced setting and deep characters, this game manages to translate old-fashioned Final Fantasy logic into a completely new Final Fantasy world. The plot gets lost in all the plot twists, and we're still not sure what happens in the end. But, damn, Tifa's hot.
