Megaman 1: His First Game
Brandon g
Ah, the game that started it all. This game was actually revolutionary in the gaming world at the time. The logic behind the game, however, was not. I'm not sure what the characers' names were in Japan, but I'm guessing it took about a tenth of a second to name them in English. "That robot cuts things, we'll name him... Cutman!"
Still, we have this game to thank for our beloved Megaman. These are his humble beginnings, like when Pearl Jam used to open for Michael Bolton. It may have really sucked to go up against these guys, but you've got to do something to be noticed.
Cutman
Cutman was originally programmed to chop down trees. So Cutman is, in essence, a lumberjack. Now that that's been explained, I'm sure you've already thought of ten better names for this robot than Cutman. Chainsawman would have been wicked-cool. Chopperman would have been alright, too. Flannelman wouldn't have sounded as tough and imposing, but it still would have been better than Cutman and would have allowed for some great gags. I mean, Cutman almost looks like Cuteman. Can you imagine Cutman in the Megaman bar trying to explain that one?
See those clipper things on top of Cutman's head? He throws them. That's right. It's not enough to just down chop trees that are right next to you. In the future (in the year 200X), trees must be chopped down remotely. I wonder if they're abolished garbage trucks in favor of trash catapults? Or abolished cars in favor of people catapults? Because, really, I think there's a lot of merit in people catapults. I think I'll write that one down.
Gutsman
All of Wily's evil robots had some sort of super power. Crashman could blow stuff up. Iceman could freeze things. Heatman was an atomic toaster. But Gutsman was a different story. Gutsman could throw rocks. That was it. If he didn't have a rock, I don't really know if there was anything he could do to Megaman. I suppose he could throw other things at Megaman, like cars, large animals, and houses, but seeing as Dr. Wily likes to keep his robots locked up in small rooms in the middle of nowhere, there's little chance of that.
On top of that, his name didn't even make sense. Elecman had electric powers, Fireman had fire powers, Bombman had bombs. Following that logic, Gutsman should either have really strong abs or the ability to spit digestive fluids at you. I was completely unprepared for a robot that threw rocks when I finally got to Gutsman's lair. My comprehensive ab training and Pepto Bismol cannon were of no use against a rock-throwing giant. They could have called him Strongman or at least Throwrocksman to avoid confusion.
Iceman
Iceman was designed to explore ridiculously cold regions of the earth, such as Antartica and the second floor of the Rollins College English department. That being said, it makes perfect sense that he looks like an Eskimo on crack. And even though Iceman is a robot, and electronics function better in the cold, it's nice to know that they've provided him with a fur coat (synthetic?) to complete that Eskimo look. He'll blend right in.
Iceman's weapon is a gun-thing that shoots ice. As an explorer robot, it was installed for "defense." Now, I'm not a biologist here, but is throwing ice really going to have that much effect on animals that live in the snow? I haven't tried to throw a snowball at a polar bear, but I have thrown one at my sister (who lives in Florida), and it didn't do much to her. Polar bears probably have ice thrown at them all the time. In fact, in some polar bear fraternities, initiates are pelted with huge ice sculptures of Eskimos. Polar bears hate Eskimos. Throwing ice, along with his fur coat, just make Iceman look tastier to polar bears.
Bombman
Bombman was built as a "ground disruption robot." I'm not quite sure what that is, or why he needs a mohawk to do that, but he looks like he takes his job very seriously.
You have to remember that this game came out in the eighties. That mohawk kind of reminds me of someone from the eighties... Could it be Mr. T? That's right, my friends, Bombman was originally based on Mr. T. Some concept names were Pitythefoolman, Bigblackman, and Fastvanman. In fact, his superpower came in because he was "the bomb." The idea was changed at the last minute when Mr. T's agent threatened a lawsuit and Mr. T himself got Dr. Light in a headlock. That day, all the robots pitied the fool that was Dr. Light.
Fireman
Fireman was built as a trash disposal robot. Imagine your garbage man looking anything like this.
Me: Hey, can you take this refrigerator?
Fireman: Puny mortal! Now you will die!
Trash disposal just wasn't the same after Fireman took over. Co-workers who thought it would be cute to roast marshmallows over his head were soon eradicated. All burnable waste was ordered directly to Fireman's office for immediate extermination. Sometime shipments got mixed up and he would burn a shipment of food to Zimbabwistan. His paramilitary reorganization of the garbage industry was legendary, and he ruled with an iron fist.
Sadly, no one saw the other side of Fireman. He was a lover of art and literature, his favorite works including Farenheit 451 and Dante's Inferno. No, no one knew the three-time ballroom dance champion Fireman. Actually, those who did know that about him were incinerated. He's just that kind of guy.
Elecman
For those of you who have played the game, you know that Elecman's true strength lies in his ability to zip around the room like a mosquito that can throw lightning bolts at you. He's bloody impossible to hit. Not only that, but his level is built in a gigantic tower. It took me close to three hundred lives just to get past the first room in Elecman's layer, only to discover that the rest of the level consisted of one long ladder with robots shooting at you.
But the real beauty of Elecman lies in his fine taste of music. In fact, the music in his stage was actually covered by REM in a song that they called "All the Right Friends." If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself. Elecman had a brief career in electronic music, calling himself DJ Elecman. After doing that for a while, he decided to get back to his roots and went all-acoustic for a while. Then he started killing people.
