Megaman 3: His First Robo-Dog
Brandon g
This game was really something. Wily's back (yawn) with more robots, a bigger castle, and more robots. But now, all of the sudden, Megaman had a dog, Rush! And what's this? He can slide on the ground now! And when you get to the end, you have to beat all the bad guys from Megaman 2? That's amazing! And the programmers started making use of the space bar in naming the robots! And then there's the mysterious Protoman... Well, you know who he is because you read the first page, but I had no idea who he was.
When this game came out, it let all of us gamer geeks know that Megaman was going to be around for quite some time. And the addition of Rush the Robo-Dog gave Megaman a human side we'd never seen before. Well, okay, Rush didn't really add anything except for a lot of comments about Megaman riding his dog, but he's still really freaking cool.
This game also pretty much set the Megaman formula in stone. New things were added after this, but Megaman 3 seemed to be the peak of true innovation. (A Robo-Dog! Who would've thought?) Does the series go downhill from here? Well, not really. Not if you like beating eight themed robots and then doing battle with Dr. Wily--and come on, who doesn't?
Needle Man
This robot is obsessed with needles. He's got needles on his head, needles in his hands, and needles all over his hideout. A Freudian reading of that suggests that Needle Man is compensating for something. But it's no wonder—Wily created Needle Man inferior right from the get-go. After robots that threw bombs, threw metal blades, and even one that could cut up the dance floor, why would you want a robot with needles? Needle Man knows this and he knows it well.
There's a rumor going around that Needle Man's mom, Needlemom, is quite the sewing guru. This is completely false. Needlemom is actually an acupuncture specialist residing in Jasper, Georgia. And that's the truth.
Magnet Man
Magnet Man. An intelligent magnet. It's a sad existance, really. He's banned for life from ACE Hardware. He can't walk through the kitchen for fear of knives, forks, and spoons impaling him. But he has no problem picking up chick robots (unless they're in ACE Hardware).
It's also a lot of fun, though. When Megaman realized the comic potential of this scenario, he went to ACE Hardware and bought several thousand nails, and then built a three-foot tall bunny out of these nails. When Magnet Man's door opened and he braced himself to fight Megaman, his mortal enemy, he was completely unprepared for the bunny made of nails that came flying at him. Megaman repeated this with many other animals of the forest, including snakes, badgers, and Eskimos.
When Megaman finally went in to get rid of Magnet Man, he loaded his arm cannon with thumb tacks, just because it was so frickin' hilarious. Actually, I don't know if Megaman and Magnet Man have ever really fought. I did hear that Megaman is whipping up something real mean with a toaster, though.
Gemini Man
I'm not entirely sure what Gemini Man was built for, but he can split into two seperate robots and has a really awesome laser cannon. Could he get much cooler? Oh yeah, he could be a ninja. Unfortunately, when you beat him, the only thing you get is a laser that zooms about the room at an amazing .05 miles per hour. (For those of you from foreign countries who don't know how the miles/hour system works, that's approximately ten times slower than you can spit on the sidewalk.)
Gemini Man was a rarity in that he was a robot that actually did something other than shoot a ridiculous themed weapon that could easily be anything else. Well, some of the other robots did other stuff, too, but Gemini Man actually did something cool—he doppleganged himself. Imagine the prank potential? If Gemini Man wasn't stuck out in space all the time, I'm sure he'd be a lot of fun at parties.
Hard Man
Hard Man was the first of many robots made up five minutes before the game was supposed to be finished. Hard Man shot his arm at you, then jumped up in the air and tried to land on you, head-first. How do you name a character like that? How do you justify calling that a character?
I really have no idea what his lair is supposed to be. It has a lot of rocks. Rocks are hard. Is it, like, the Hard Pad? It also has bees. Bees are not hard. I don't know.
Top Man
Top Man wins the award for worst robot ever. His super power was spinning in circles. Rumor has it that when Megaman first saw Top Man spin around, and Top Man first saw Megaman running around in blue underwear, they both laughed so hard that they had to take a break from fighting to fall over. Then they remembered they were supposed to kill each other. "You're going down," Top Man said, but the way he said made them both start laughing again. This went on for hours.
Dr. Wily, why on earth would you make a robot that spun around in circles? Did you have a traumatic merry-go-round experience in Evil Pre-School? Were you trying to impress a girl from Holland, where they have windmills that spin around, so she liked—nevermind, I ruined that joke. Anyway, Runswithscissorsman would have been a better idea than Top Man. So would Chowderman.
Snake Man
He looks an awful lot like The Scorpion of Spider Man fame, but that's irrelevant. The big question is why have a robot that shoots snakes at you? If they're going to have a Snake Man, shouldn't he be a little more snake-like? I seriously thought he was going to bite me, or try to strangle me, or at least rattle his tail at me, but nothing. He just ran around like a pansy man, throwing little snakes at me.
It's not like he looks like a sissy. I mean, he's big, he's confident, and he has that snake sitting right on top of his head. He just doesn't do anything. But he has that snake thing down pretty well. He doesn't let you forget it—he's all about the snakes.
Spark Man
Wily, following the theme set Elecman and Crashman, Spark Man was another musical robot. Well, I use the term "musical" loosely, because Spark Man was, in fact, a rapper. That picture is from one of his concerts. "All you dope 'bots throw your hands in the air! And wave 'em around like you just don't care!" he would say at all his concerts. In the early 90s, Spark Man went by the name Sparky Spark. He actually toured with Marky Mark and Vanilla Ice in the "Fresh Rappers That Aren't Black" tour of '91. Eventually, Marky Mark said Spark Man "had no game" and Vanilla Ice complained about his hair frizzing up whenever Spark Man walked by, and he was kicked off the tour.
Faced with a robot whose power was conducting electricity, Megaman had two choices in beating him:
- Avoid his bolts of electricity, avoid touching him, and get in a few shots when you can, all the while hoping for the best
- Pour a bucket of water on him
This is Wily's first robot that can be beaten with a garden hose. But guess which choice Megaman made? Should have gone with the second one, Megaman.
Shadow Man
A ninja robot! This is the best idea ever!! Unfortunately, most of his programming enabled him to hop around like a kangaroo. He would occasionally throw a ninja star or two, but most of his battle strategy was "Hop... hop... gotta keep hopping... ninjas love to hop..." It just so happens that I am an expert on ninjas, and I know for a fact that ninjas do not just hop around like kangaroos. They do many other things, like kick you in the head and karate chop your neck. Shadow Man did none of these.
I recently had a chance to interview Shadow Man. Here are the results:
me: So, Shadow Man, you're the first robot to incorporate ninjutsu. How do you keep up with the awesome responsibility of being a ninja?
SM: That's an excellent question, Brandon. I have a virtual sensei training program that I run that keeps me in shape. The sensei instructs me in power squats, calf exercises, and hopping techniques.
me: That's an awful lot of leg exercises. What kind of sensei is that
SM: Well, he's not a sensei so much as a kangaroo.
me: So is there really any ninjutsu in your ninjutsu?
SM: Look! It's Jackie Chan!
At that point, Shadow Man hopped away on into the sunset.
