Megaman 5: Okay, This is Getting Old...
Brandon g
"In the year 20XX AD... A vicious army of robots is bent on destroying the world!! And behind this destruction is... PROTOMAN!?"
And thus begins another exciting installment of Megaman! You may be thinking... What? Protoman? Where's Dr. Wily? This sure caught me off-guard! Well, fret not! Dr. Wily actually is the bad guy, here. I don't want to spoil the game for you, but you should know this by now.
Unlike previous games, where the robot masters actually look like robots, most of the robots in this game look like pre-schoolers on Halloween. If one of these robots knocked on my door, I wouldn't run—I would give him candy.
Megaman 5 is also the first appearance of Megaman's robot attack bird, Beat. So in the first game, we get Megaman; in the third game, we get Rush, the robo-dog; in the fifth game, we get Beat, the robot attack bird. Will we see a new animal in Megaman 7? Only time will tell. (Or, I can just tell you that the answer is YES.)
Gravity Man
Now THIS robot is cool. He controls gravity. Think of the possibilities! Women in skirts—that's all I'm gonna say.
I got terribly excited as I progressed through Gravity Man's lair: the gravity would occasionally "flip," making Megaman run around on the ceiling. I started thinking about the amazing possibilities (women in skirts), so I was expecting a lot when I got to Gravity Man. Sadly, all Gravity Man does with his power is walk on the ceiling. Gravity Man is the biggest let-down in the entire series. There were no women, in skirts or otherwise. Don't get me wrong—walking on the ceiling is still really freaking cool—but he could get a little more creative with his robot powers. And... come on! Women in skirts!
It seems like Gravity Man was programmed with only three rules to follow:
- Walk on the ground when Megaman is on the ceiling.
- Walk on the ceiling when Megaman is on the ground.
- Try to hit Megaman with your head while travelling from the ceiling to the ground.
Women in skirts...
Stone Man
Stone Man is, not surprisingly, made of stone (you know, kind of like Metal Man was made of metal?). Really—he's made of bricks. How many robots do you know that are made of bricks? (Well, okay... I don't know too many robots that are made of wood either.)
Stone Man's robot powers include jumping on top of you and crumbling into a pile of bricks, and making stones float around him before shooting toward Megaman. Wait a second—he can make stones float?! Doesn't that give him the same powers over gravity that Gravity Man has? Gravity Man, you are nothing! Stone Man has power over gravity, and he's made of bricks!
Charge Man
Now, you're probably thinking what I was thinking when I first challenged Charge Man: he has a weapon that charges up. Maybe he uses electricity of some sort. At the very worst, he charges himself with static electricity and attempts to touch Megaman while avoiding doorknobs. But certainly, it has nothing to do with him physically charging at Megaman—that would be preposterous.
If you were thinking that, then you would be wrong. Charge man is the first train-themed robot in Wily's gang. That's right—it's a robot based on a train. He even has a little smokestack (he's a steam-powered robot). And his lair? It's a train. The enemies in his lair? They ride trains. And, as you've probably guessed, his robot power involves him physically charging at Megaman. Charge Man joins Snake Man in the inner circle of most ridiculously themed robots.
Poor Charge Man hasn't been given a lot to work with. While other robots got cool lairs and minions, Charge Man got a refurbished train and farm animals. It seems like Dr. Wily used up the last of his money in building Charge Man and had to construct his lair out of the cheapest materials available.
Of course, it's not like the other evil robot lairs aren't missing things. Women in skirts...
Crystal Man
Heralded by many to be the toughest robot of the entire Megaman series, I decided to go right to the source and find out what set this robot apart.
me: Many regard you to be the toughest robot in the entire series.
CM: Yes, I'm aware of this.
me: What would you attribute that to?
CM: Well, toughness is such a subjective concept. It's useful in comparisons, but that's it, really.
me: Okay... Umm... Well, comparatively, what would you say makes you tougher than all of the other robots?
CM: The mind is a powerful thing. There are depths of the mind that neither humans nor robots have fully comprehended, and any battle can be turned if a combatant makes proper use of it.
me: Are suggesting that the mind may have some sort of power over matter in the tangible world?
CM: ..... I'm suggesting that smart robots can beat up stupid robots.
me: Oh.
CM: Freaking moron...
me: Sorry.
At that point, I realized that Crystal Man is far beyond me. His intellect is beyond all human comprehension. I began to think, Fear him! Fear the Crystal Man! But then, I remembered something...
me: Didn't Megaman beat you?
CM: Shut up.
Wave Man
In Wave Man's lair, Megaman gets to ride a jet ski. How cool is that? I'll tell you how cool it is: not nearly as cool as the boot in Super Mario Brothers 3. In the last game, Megaman had a dog that could turn into a submarine. Why is he using a jet ski now? Did his deadbeat dog call it quits? It will forever be a mystery.
As for Wave Man himself, the biggest surprise is that he doesn't actually fight in the water—the room he fights Megaman in is just as dry as any of the other robot masters' rooms. So, unlike previous robots that were optimized to move and fight underwater, Wave Man is simply a water-themed robot. That's not funny, that's just sad. Well, it's probably no more sad than the other ridiculously-themed robots... but you can actually do something with a water-based robot, and they still chose not to. Please tell me they have a decent robot up next...
Napalm Man
While Charge Man got last pick of the robot lairs, Napalm Man undoubtedly got first pick--he has a full-blown island fortress in the tropics, complete with helicopter guards and attack tigers. You can totally see tanks in the background in the evil lair caverns.
One edge that Napalm Man has over other robot masters is that his power actually involves a real power. Gutsman and Stone Man threw rocks; Shadow Man hopped; Leaf Man was made of wood. Seriously, anybody can do those things. Napalm Man threw bombs. Lots of them. Who would you feel more compelled to give money to, a robot that spun around like a top, or a robot that was holding a bomb? (And we're talking about evil lair construction money, not money for self-help.) Napalm Man even looks more intimidating than the other robots, and he just looks plain cooler. Are you beginning to see why Charge Man's evil lair sucked so much? Tank treads for feet vs. little trains for feet. Hmm...
Gyro Man
Gyros are those Greek sandwiches they sell at the mall. The obvious implication is that Gyro Man is Greek (and not a vegetarian). Is the meat in those things made out of chicken? Because there are chickens in his lair. I can't really think of any other explanation for chickens, so I'll assume that this is true. (And I'm 1/8 Greek, so I know what I'm talking about. Well, I have a 12.5% chance of being right, anyway.)
Star Man
Let me just state the obvious and say that this robot looks like the frontman from an 80s rock band. Megaman 5 kept the trend of having one musical robot. Note Star Man's resemblence to Journey frontman, Steve Augeri—just give him a mullet and a microphone, and he's good to go. His torso even looks like an electric guitar (I'm thinking the Washburn Dime STPRO, but I can kind of see the Gibson Flying V too).
Star Man's lair is in outer space. It seems like a fitting place for him, but you have to remember that these robots are supposed to be a threat to the entire world. How can this robot be a threat to the entire world if he's gallavanting off in space? Megaman, don't you ever watch movies? Star Man is a diversion! And on top of that, he's a rock star! The only plausible explanation is that he's shooting a music video, and you surely don't want to interrupt that!
