Captain Planet
Brandon g
We all remember Captain Planet—the incredibly PC show about saving the environment and showing that people who don't want to save the environment are secretly mutated rats or evil rock-monsters. The theme song rocked. We probably even liked it as we were growing up.
I had the displeasure of watching Captain Planet recently, and to my dismay, it really sucked. I mean, more than most kids shows do when you go back and watch them—it really sucked. I can't believe I didn't see it as a kid. In an effort to show that, I've written up these reminders of what the show was really like. Relive your childhood! Goooo Planet!
Some information is taken from the Official Captain Planet Website and then mocked here mercilessly.
Kwame - I really don't know much about Kwame except that he was always the one to say "Let our powers combine!" So now I'm wondering: were those words really necessary? If not, did the other kids know? Did they just let him say his little catch phrase so he could feel good about himself? He had the power to cause huge earthquakes, sinkholes, and whatever else you could do if you had supernatural control over rocks, dirt, and the like. He could make spikes shoot up from the ground or open up huge holes to swallow up bad guys, but he never did; he obviously had severe self-esteem issues. Maybe "Let our powers combine!" was all he had in this world.
The website states of Kwame, "Though fundamentally serious, he has an impish sense of humor and often delivers off-the-wall lines in perfect deadpan." I don't seem to remember that at all. If there was a drinking game that said to take a drink whenever Kwame delivered an off-the-wall line in perfect deadpan, I could be sober forever. All I remember him saying is his catch phrase, and him occasionally yelling at Wheeler for setting Ma-Ti's monkey on fire. The website also states that he is an excellent gardener. Just in case you were wondering.
Wheeler - Amazingly, Wheeler manages to know absolutely nothing about ecology. You'd think that Gaia, being the goddess of the earth with a magical crystal thing, would be able to figure this out before she gave him a Planeteer ring, but she still seems to be oblivious to this fact. If that weren't enough, they give him the most destructive ring they had access to. "What do we give the snot-nosed American who doesn't know anything about ecology? How about a FIRE ring!" Sure, why not give him a toxic-waste anklet while you're at it.
When he's not setting tropical rain forests on fire, Wheeler is either delivering a bad pun about fire or trying to pick up Linka, who is quite possibly the worst match in the world for him. If I were him, I'd go for Gaia. She obviously has the hots for him, since she gave him the magic fire ring even though he doesn't even care about the environment.
Linka - The website states that Linka is "the most cerebral of the five Planeteers." What they really mean is that Linka is the most anal-retentive of the five Planeteers. She's the uptight one. Every kids show has one—we had Brainy Smurf, Storm from X-Men, Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles (Raphael in the comics), Piggy on Muppet Babies. But Linka takes this to a whole new level. You'd think an environmentalist show would stay away from the stereotypical tree-hugger, but they seemed to use that as a model for Linka. If you tell a joke, Linka will say, "Why are you wasting time on jokes? Three whales just died as we were laughing!" If you go to the bathroom, Linka will say, "Don't you dare flush that! You'll screw up the ecosystem in Antarctica!"
The writers of the show constantly stress how humorless Linka is by putting her and Wheeler together for long periods of time. They're paired together like Fred and Daphne. Linka and Wheeler would go off to find where all the toxic waste was coming from, and Wheeler would say something along the lines of, "You're hot. I'm American. Let's make out." Linka would then reply, "How can you waste time making out? Three whales just died as you distracted me from driving!" This happened every episode.
Gi - Gi is a total babe. If she knew how attractive she was, she wouldn't spend all her time with these Planeteer geeks. Her attractiveness is what prompted the network to dress them in those ridiculous clothes. "This is supposed to be an educational show!" remarked Ted Turner, "We can't have them looking better than me. Give them ridiculous clothes. Especially that hot Asian chick. The water girl."
I'm really glad they didn't make Gi the stereotypical Asian kid who's really good at Calculus and doesn't say a lot. However, in doing so, they also sapped her of character development of any kind in the show. She was one of the most understated characters in the whole show. Did you know she liked surfing and rock music? No. All people know about her is that she's the water girl. But not me. I know everything about her. Did you know she's a C-cup? I did.
Ma-Ti - Ma-Ti is Aquaman for our generation. In the opening credits, all the Planeteers are shown using their powers. Kwame shouts "Earth!" and a big rock flies up out of nowhere. Wheeler shouts "Fire!" and shoots some fire out of his ring. Ma-Ti shouts "Heart!" and his loser monkey friend runs onto the screen. His only purpose in the show was to be captured, then send his pet monkey to get help.
The similarities between Ma-Ti and Aquaman are astounding. Both of them spent at least 90% of their time out of their element. If the Planeteers were all going to a rain forest full of savage monkey-beasts, but needed one person to disarm the robot guards, Ma-Ti would be the one to do it. Aquaman and Ma-Ti would have a lot to talk about, actually:
Aquaman: One time, we were fighting off villains underwater and this fish told a really funny joke.
Ma-Ti: Really? The same thing happened to me!
Aquaman: No kidding! Did you get captured all the time, too?
Ma-Ti: Yes! One time, it took the Planeteers so long to find me that I tried to hook up with some of the livestock that they had me locked up with. Most of them were pretty dull, but there was this one calf with blue eyes and a great personality. Her name was Mona.
Aquaman: ...
The Planeteers | The Big-Shots | The Voices
